Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Feeling a little anxious? Maybe you will find some of these mixtures soothing and able to naturally ease your symptoms of anxiety.
Consider the following herbs to help you:
Melissa Officinalis. An herb native to the Mediterranean that is used throughout the world to calm the nervous system and digestive tract and to reduce blood pressure.
Passion Flower is an herbal sedative that can give you a sense of calm and also helps you sleep better. Also, it can help you control nausea and the "butterflies in the stomach".
Lavendula Angustifolia or lavender. It's known for its calming properties and is widely used in aromatherapy to induce relaxation. In a recent study it was found that the scent from lavender was enough to relax and relieve depression in many of the participants.
Fennel is a popular tea in India. This herb relieves gastrointestinal upsets that are related to anxiety.
Kava kava is an herbal remedy used to ease the symptoms of anxiety, stress and depression. It's non addictive and can be taken as an infusion. Supplements (pills) usually do not work. People with liver problems are recommended to stay away from kava kava, although traditional methods of consumption are not shown to be dangerous.
Valerian is used around the world to reduce stress and promote sleep. It's safe and non addictive.
Chamomile is an herb used to treat mild anxiety and stress. It's also used to settle an upset stomach.
Rhodiola Rosea is an adaptogen effective at treating anxiety.
Ashwaganda has been used in India for thousands of years in ayurvedic (ancient)medicine as an anti-anxiety remedy. Chemical analysis shows that Ashwaganda contains compounds thought to have anti-stress properties.
L-Theanine is an amino acid commonly found in tea. Because it can enter the brain, L-Theanine has psychoactive properties. L-Theanine has been shown to reduce mental and physical stress and may produce feelings of relaxation - without drowsiness.
A study by The American Journal of Epidemiology showed coca's usefulness in treating gastrointestinal ailments, as well as motion and altitude sickness. They found it to be a fast acting antidepressant and helpful in combating hypoglycemia and diabetes. Furthermore, coca leaves deliver healthy doses of vitamins A, C, B and E, phosphorous, iron, potassium, magnesium, calcium and protein.
Another herbal remedy for panic attack is Lemon balm. This is a general restorative for the nervous system, can assist in reducing blood pressure and help calm the digestive system.
If you are having problems sleeping try taking melatonin before bed. Getting poor sleep has been shown to increase anxiety.
Many of the above herbs are hard to find locally and may need to be ordered off the Internet. Amazon.com would be a good starting place.
Look for standardized extracts that contain a certain percent of the active chemicals which make the herb work.
Always consult with your doctor before taking any natural herb or supplement. They can advise you on any issues that may arise and is also good for their medical notes in case of any adverse reactions.
Monday, September 29, 2008
This is an article to help you learn how to do simple hatha yoga to reduce stress or tension. If you're studying for a big test, waiting for an interview, feeling uptight in the office, worrying about an audition, or you just need to relax, try this simple procedure which can be done anywhere there is a little bit of space free.
Breathe in deeply. Hold for 5 counts. Let it out. Repeat.
Breathe in a third of your lung capacity, so your tummy blows up like a balloon.
Let it out.
Breathe in two-thirds of your lung capacity, so your ribs open up and your tummy blows up. Let it out.
Breathe in your entire lung capacity, so your tummy blows up, your ribcage expands, and your shoulders come up almost to you ears. Exhale.
Continue this process.
Yoga is mainly about breathing and relaxing. Well, hatha yoga, anyway.
If you are still uncontrollable, ask if you can go to the bathroom. Then do the breathing there.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Most people shy away from bold color choices in their outfits. That is mostly because they are scared they will look like a clown instead of a chic woman.
First pick the main pattern. Whether it be a bright floral blouse or a stunning oversized bag it just has to POP.
Take a look at the colors in the pattern. Build the rest of your outfit around those colors.
Next comes the harder part. Look around for a more subtle pattern that shares some of the same colors in your main pattern. For example if your main pattern is a floral blouse containing shades of green, peach, and blue; a simple peach and blue stripe bag might look good. Be careful though, if the subtle pattern is too overpowering the outfit will won't put together.
The last step is to add color bursts here and there with jewelry, footwear, and a cute manicure!
Here are a couple clothing ideas...
a solid sweater, bold stripe skirt, swede polka dot heels, solid color leather clutch, and diamond stud earings.
Dark denim jeans, pin stripe blouse, solid color ballet flats with simple embelishments, and animal print bag
corderoy jeans, solid turtleneck, sweater, dramatic pattern heels, and tiny change purse.
If you are tall don't wear dainty pattens and teensy weensy jewelry; you will look disproportioned (and vice versa for a smaller woman)
Choose patterns that aren't childish and look chic.
Everybody wants to look in good every occasion and in everyday clothing.
Know what you want. Every person should know what he or she wants. What does she want to wear? or What does she wants to look.
Know Your Budget. Every person should know the limit of his or budget on getting the new and trendy clothing line out there.
After considering the first two steps, try asking yourself if "Do i look good with this?" If not,why try asking yourself this one "How can i be beautiful?" With that you will feel more confident than the usual.
Try everything. Don't be afraid, everything is just fine. Think that you are beautiful.
and lastly Try your favorites and try your most favored clothing line.
Just be yourself
Everything is just fine
Ask someone to help you out when choosing.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
A lot of girls have good fashion sense and put a lot of effort into picking out their clothes, but they still end up dressing in a way that's unattractive. That's because they pick out clothes that they think will look good on them, instead of picking out clothes that will actually suit them. In this article you will learn the true secret of dressing well: buying clothes that make you pretty, instead of just buying pretty clothes.
When you're shopping, make sure you buy clothes that'll flatter your body type. If you're a tall girl, do you really want to buy those heels or those capri pants? If you're chubby, do you want a skintight halter top? Just because something looks nice doesn't mean it will look nice on YOU.
Pay attention to colors. Even if an piece of clothing makes your body look good, if it's a color that doesn't suit you, it might make you look pale or sort of greenish.
Don't buy a piece of clothing just because it has a nice pattern on it, or has a funny slogan. That tee-shirt might be really funny...but it can also make you look 10lbs heavier.
If you see an outfit in a magazine like Vogue, you might be tempted to reproduce that exact same outfit. But some things (like hoop skirts or weird ripped leggings) just aren't practical for everyday wear, and might make you look weird. So buy something that sort of mimics that outfit, without actually totally trying to dress like a model, which most people can't pull off. For example, if that hypothetical hoop skirt had a lace trim that you really liked, you could get a lacey blouse.
Realize that just because something's name-brand, it doesn't make it cute. An ugly shirt from Abercrombie is still an ugly shirt.
Don't buy something just because it's trendy. If you're a short girl, why get Ugg boots when you can get heels, which'll make you look taller and better?
* Understand that some things that are very trendy now but just don't look that good when you wear them. Remember how people in the 70's wore those horrible flare pants and tie-dye shirts? They thought those looked cool, at the time, but now we know better. In 20 years people will look back and wonder how anyone went around looking pregnant in a baybdoll top or could walk around with their butt bulging out of skinny jeans without feeling embarassed.
There's nothing wrong with showing some skin, but make sure that the area you're showing off is one that looks good. A lot of girls think that it's sexy to show off their chest, no matter how large or small it is...but a very thin girl, for example, wouldn't do well to be showing everyone her rib cage. Instead of wearing something low-cut, a girl like that could wear a halter top, to show off her flat tummy. Likewise, a chubby girl should show off her chest, and cover up the stomach region.
Be confident, and know that this is all about dressing to emphasize your unique beauty, not cover up your flaws.
Get a good friend to go shopping with you, so she can tell you if something looks good on you or not.
Even though this article criticizes trends, there's nothing wrong with looking modern. You don't have to dress like you're from the 1800s or anything!
Don't get too paranoid about your flaws.
Every girl has trouble deciding what her style should be. Preppy, punk, grungy, girly...which one? If you have trouble deciding, you have come to the right place. Read on for steps, tips and warnings!
Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you thin, curvy or normal? If you are curvy, casual-clothing is suggested. If you consider yourself thin, then jock and preppy clothing is good for you. And if your normal, girly is perfect!
Think back about your hairstyles. Do you usually tie them in a ponytail? Make a braid? Leave your hair open? If you tie your hair then it is usually for a jock style. A braid could be preppy type and let open is obviously girly.
Decide which you like best. So your thin and fit to be preppy or a jock. What if you don't want to? No one is forcing you to. A girly style or maybe a punk would be ok with you.
After you have decided, go shopping! For example you chose girly: Buy skirts, tops, high-heels, boots and hair accessories. Wear pink clothing. Be girly!
When you have chosen and not sure what to buy for your style, there's always the internet! Search for 'preppy' as images on google or yahoo and then see all the girls and guys wearing preppy outfits. Get clothes similar to that.
Show off your new style!
If your style is not mentioned above, eg. animal lover. I suggest wearing plain tops with jeans. Or the tops could have animals printed on it or a slogan. Capri's would look good and you can add hair accessories.
Add a handbag to preppy or girly.
If you can't choose between two styles, eg. preppy and girly then take out all of your clothes. Try on the preppy clothings and see if you look good in them. Try on your girly outfits and see if you look even better than before. Choose!
If you still can't decide, don't even think about opening your wardrobe and taking out everything to mess it up.
It is your choice, but doing punk, or grungy are a bit odd fashion styles and your parents might not like it. Choose a nice, cute style like girly. Or maybe preppy.
Friday, September 26, 2008
You hear about this all the time in the media, mostly relating to news coming out of some political venue. They are talking about how someone can present negative information in a way that makes it sound like it's a good thing. It's not really lying, it's not "disinformation" but it's not a straight-forward presentation either. In many ways, it's the essence of politics. The same technique is often used by corporations to present less than favorable financial news.
Very often, it isn't possible to know when this is happening because the people doing it are very, very good at it. If it's not done properly, however, it's obvious and transparent, and nothing good will come of it. Here are some steps that will help you get an idea of how to use this technique should you find yourself in a position that requires it.
Research the event: You need to know, to the last detail, what happened. If you don't have this knowledge, you will do better to gloss over the event until you do know. Note dates and times, things that led up to the event, people involved and most significantly, the immediate results.
Create a timeline: This is not just for the past but for the future too. Use your research to build this, then project as many repercussions as you can into the future. If, for example, a retail corporation had a very poor fourth quarter, will you need to close stores; lay off people; borrow money? Identify all the bad things that are likely to come of this.
Create alternate event descriptions: This is where you will build the "spin" for the public. You can't do anything about things that happened - they happened - but you can present them differently.
People didn't buy from lower-priced competitors; they delayed premium buying decisions.
You didn't have ineffective marketing; you delayed premium advertising to coincide with the delayed buying decisions.
You aren't going to close stores; you're repositioning for market acquisition.
You aren't laying off sales employees; you're elevating the consumer's experience through added independence.
Roleplay and improve: To do this properly, it takes a group of people dedicated to the result. You will need several "devil's advocate" types to listen to the presentation and slice it to pieces. You want to know every possible argument ahead of time. Use small focus groups and make the presentation, then tweak it, then do it again. Each time the backlash is reduced, you've made an effective improvement. Eventually (after 4 or 5 sessions) you should get to a stable point.
Prepare your audience: You're not going to just jump in and make your presentation. You want the audience to be receptive to your information. Start leaking information that is favorable to your position and negative to any alternate position. You will neither confirm nor deny this information, but you will caution people that any information about your corporation will come from official sources, only.
Pause: Don't release your information immediately following the leaks. Let the audience have time to absorb and process the information - they need time to reach equilibrium.
Go Public: Release your information. Publicly and loudly. A surprise press conference (that was rumored to be in the works) is an effective and time-tested method. Whether you have a Q&A session after will really depend on how good your spin is and, to a large extent, how prepared you are. It's also a matter of personal taste.
See Step 1: Spin only lasts just so long. Eventually, the future catches up to your timeline, and you'll need to make new announcements. Start planning for how you'll do that, now. This is really an endless cycle and there is strong job security for somebody that's good at it.
A positive attitude is a must. You absolutely may not allow yourself to exhibit even the tiniest bit of indecisiveness. If you don't believe it, they won't.
Credibility is critical. Your audience must believe you without any question. You are appealing largely to their emotions.
Have diversity in your focus groups. You want the members to be as varied as possible so they will have different views on your presentation.
This can have a serious backlash if there are holes in your presentation. Be as critical as possible.
Be sure about the loyalties of the people that help you. Select your focus groups carefully.
Don't fall for your own spin. It sounds good, makes sense... but seriously, you know better. You built the twist - don't let it go to your head.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Persuasiveness is one of the most important skills anyone can learn because it is useful in countless situations.At work, at home, and in your social life, the ability to be persuasive and influence others can be instrumental for achieving goals and being happy.
Learning about the tricks of persuasion can also give you insight into when they're being used on you. The biggest benefit of this is that money will stay in your pocket as you realize just how sales people and advertisers sell you products that you don't necessarily need. Here are several techniques that work on a subconscious level.
Framing. When someone tells you "Don't think about an elephant" you find it difficult to comply; by just mentioning "elephant", the image pops into your mind, regardless of the context. This is a classic example of framing. Framing is frequently used by skillful politicians. For instance, politicians on both sides of the abortion debate cite their positions as "pro-choice" or "pro-life," because "pro" has better connotations than "anti." Framing is a subtle way of deploying emotionally charged words to shift people towards your point of view.
Whenever you wish to launch a persuasive argument, plan the words that you would use, and correlate them to images they would conjure in the minds of the target audience. Classify the images as either positive, negative or neutral. Regardless of other words are within its vicinity, a single word would still be effective in framing an argument. Another example is illustrated by the difference between saying "Having a cell phone will keep me out of trouble" and "Having a cell phone will keep me safe". Ponder which word is more effective for your message: "trouble" or "safe".
Mirroring. Mirroring someone is when you mimic their movements. The movement can be virtually anything, but some obvious ones are hand gestures, leaning forward or away, or various head and arm movements. We all do this subconsciously, and if you pay attention you'll probably notice yourself doing it. How to mirror someone is self explanatory, but a few key things to remember are to be subtle about it and leave a delay between the other person's movement and your mirroring (2-4 seconds works best). This is also known as "the chameleon effect".
3 Scarcity. This is one that advertisers use a lot. Opportunities, whatever they are, seem a lot more appealing when there is a limited availability. This can be useful to the average person in the right situation, but even more importantly, this is a method of persuasion to be aware of. Stop and consider how much you're being influenced by the fact that a product is scarce. If the product is scarce, there must be a ton of demand for it right?
Reciprocation. It's the old saying, "Do unto others...". When someone does something for us, we feel compelled to return the favor. So, if you want someone to do something nice for you, why not do something nice for them first? In a business setting, maybe you pass them a lead. If at home, maybe it's you letting the neighbor borrow the lawn mower. It doesn't matter where or when you do it, the key is to complement the relationship.
Timing. People are more likely to be agreeable and submissive when they're mentally fatigued. Before you ask someone for something they might not be quick to agree to, try waiting until a more opportune time when they've just done something mentally taxing. This could be at the end of the work day when you catch a co-worker on their way out the door. Whatever you ask, a likely response is, "I'll take care of it tomorrow."
Congruence. We all try, subconsciously, to be consistent with previous actions. One great example is a technique used by salespeople. A salesperson will shake your hand as he is negotiating with you. In most people's minds, a handshake equates to a closed deal, and so by doing this before the deal is reached, the salesperson is much more likely to negotiate you in to a closed deal. A good way to use this yourself is to get people acting before they make up their minds. If, for example, you were out and about with a friend and you wanted to go see a movie but the friend was undecided, you could start walking in the direction of the theater while they make up their mind.
Fluid speech. When we talk, we often use little interjections and hesitant phrases such as "ummm" or "I mean" and of course there is the ubiquitous "like". These little conversation quirks have the unintended effect of making us seem less confident and sure of ourselves, and thus less persuasive. If you're confident in your speech, others will be more easily persuaded by what you have to say.
Herd behavior. We constantly look to those around us to determine our actions; we have the need for acceptance. We are far more likely to follow or be persuaded by someone we like or by someone who is in an authority position. A simple, effective way to use this to your advantage is to be a leader, and let the herd follow you. You don't need any official title to be seen as a leader. Be charming and confident and people will place greater weight on your opinion. If you're dealing with someone who isn't likely to see you as an authority (such as a superior in the workplace, or your significant other's parent) you can still take advantage of herd behavior: Casually praise a leader who that person admires. By triggering positive thoughts in that person's mind about a person they look up to, they'll be more likely to associate those qualities with you.
Man's best friend. To give people the impression that you're loyal, and to inspire them to be loyal to you, put up a picture of you with a dog (it doesn't even have to be your own dog). This can make you seem like a team player, but don't go overboard; putting up too many pictures can make you seem unprofessional.
Offer a drink. Give the person who you're persuading a warm drink (tea, coffee, hot cocoa) to hold while you're talking to them. The warm sensation of the drink in their hands (and their body) can subconsciously make them feel like you're an emotionally warm, likable and welcoming person. Giving them a cold drink can have the opposite effect! In general, people tend to feel cold and crave warm food or drinks when they're feeling socially isolated, so fill that need in order to make them more receptive.
Break the touch barrier. Whether you're closing a deal or asking someone on a date, touching them (in a subtle and appropriate way) can improve your chances by subconsciously activating the human desire to bond. In a professional environment, a pat on the back or hand on the shoulder as you're passing by or offering reassurance can go a long way. In romantic situations, any soft touch from a woman will usually be taken well; men will require further reading in order to avoid making a woman feel uncomfortable.
There are several things you can do to make yourself seem more dominant, like wearing an all-black outfit or maintaining a neutral face, but there are times when being dominant isn't necessarily more persuasive. If you're a salesperson, you might prefer to relate to the client, rather than intimidate--but if you're a supervisor, giving people a more dominant impression might mean getting your way more often.
Use the same techniques you fear from a sales person on the sales person. For example - you are out to buy a car, be the lead in the conversation. Ask questions that you know the answer to, like "So car sales are down, huh?" and "Man, I bet you guys need to move these 08's with the 09's already on the floor." This will encourage the sales person to work harder to close the sale. Remind them that their income is not what it once was, without coming out and saying so.
If you want someone to clean up after themselves, spray a little bit of all purpose cleaner in the area that's a mess. The faint smell can sometimes trigger the desire to tidy up.
Don't persuade anyone to do something that isn't conducive to their well-being.
Be careful using persuasive techniques in friendships. Sometimes a decision needs to be made, and it is OK to convince others to 'buy in'. However, if you do this too often, people may interpret this as you being controlling, or manipulative, both of which can lead to undesirable outcomes.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I just wanted to apologized to all the bloggers that visited my blog and are going to visit for I am quite a bit busy lately. I will be paying your website a visit as soon as I can. I just want you to know that I appreciate all of you for stopping by here.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Having trouble cutting back on something you eat too much of, but don't want to cut it out of your diet completely? Use these tips to help yourself!
Instead of trying to stop cold-turkey, then try to cut back one in an allotted time. It will be a lot easier, plus you won't feel so deprived.
Substitute something healthy for the bad thing your eating. A piece of fruit or some yogurt is a lot healthier
If you struggle to take one chocolate bar(as an example) off your diet every day,try it in weeks
Have a friend or family member do this with you for extra support
If this is to lose weight,maybe buy a piece of clothing you wish to fit you to give you motivation
This only works with food,if this is to hep quit,lets say smoking, you would have to probably quit permanently or have doctors help
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Everyone talks about the weather or the front page headlines from the news. The more knowledge you possess and varied your interests, the more different subjects you will be interested in talking about.
Watch the world around you, and look for things that interest you. A broad vision of life will expand the subjects you will enjoy talking about.
Look for new friends in different walks of life or different backgrounds. Their perspectives, philosophies, and ideas may be interesting topics of conversation.
Listen to the people you talk with, and if they have unique interests, learn more about them. If you are frequently with someone who loves sports, take time to learn some of the basics of their favorites. The same would go for fishing, needlepoint, opera, or any host of potential subjects.
Search for new perspectives in your own interests, and keep current on the leading edge of discoveries in those areas. When Pluto was declared a non-planet some months ago, you can be sure it was a hot topic in the astronomical community, but people on the streets were talking about it too.
Study the reaction of people you normally talk with when you try to bring up new topics. If you see drooping eyelids and hear yawns, you are not stimulating them, you are sedating them, but if eyebrows rise, and you see response, you are on the right track.
Remember, with exception to offensive language or culturally taboo subjects, there are limitless possibilities. Movies, music, fashion, business, sports, politics, celebrities, school, and current events, even... the weather, offer unlimited conversational subjects, if you take a little time to be interested in them.
Develop hobbies and look for clubs or organizations that support them. This will be a unique ground to learn and share ideas and thoughts as your knowledge grows.
Watch at least a little local and world news whenever you can.
Read the headlines in various sections of the local paper.
Listen occasionally to talk radio, these are the experts on talking about a host of subjects.
When the group is talking about one subject, don't try to force a change in topic.
Spend time listening to others, for you will soon find few people willing to listen to you.
For older people, please do not go into minute details about your ailments. The only people interested in your medical history are you, your doctor and a lawyer, if you are suing for malpractice.
Repetitive talk is often seen in people obsessed not merely with their business interests, but with a particular mission; such as vegetarianism, deaddiction, faith healing etc. Introspect and find out if you are obsessed. This would make you far more acceptable, likable and respectable and enable you to further the true essence of your mission as well!
Are you or your children sick and tired of eating boiled green beans? With this simple recipe, you can easily make those 'bland' green beans into a delicious yet healthy dish.
2-3 cloves of garlic
~30ml vegetable oil (preferably corn or canola)
Coarse ground black pepper or medium ground pepper (optional)
1 pound fresh green beans
Prepare the beans by snapping off the tips.
Snap the beans into into pieces around 3-5 cm long (1-1/2").
Wash the beans under running water.
Boil a pot of water at the highest heat on your stovetop.
Put all the beans into it when the water is thoroughly boiling (you can clearly see the bubbles coming out from it). The water should then stop boiling (do not turn the heat down) because the beans are cooler and take up some of the heat.
Wait about 5-30 seconds after the water starts bubbling again, then empty the contents into a colander. The time it takes affects how soft the beans are, the longer the time they are boiled, the softer they are; the shorter the time, the crunchier they are.
Peel and wash the garlic, and chop it up into fine pieces no bigger than 5cm across and no smaller than 2 cm across (1/4" and 1/8" respectively).
Heat a saucepan/frypan with the vegetable oil in it. Wait until the oil is heated up (you can see it 'swirl/shimmer' somewhat if there is light shining on it).
Throw the garlic into it once the vegetable oil is heated up. Watch out, as it will sizzle and may spray oil if there is too much water on the garlic.
10. Put the beans into the saucepan/frypan once the garlic starts to turn light golden-brown (this happens in about 5-10 seconds). Stir fry them with a spatula or pair of chopsticks stirring and turning them over constantly.
Start sprinkling salt slowly at about one minute in, according to your preference. Be sure to stir it constantly, so that it is evenly spread, and taste it while adding salt every once in a while to find out how much salt you like. Be sure to keep stirring and mixing the beans constantly afterwards too.
Taste the beans at about 3 minutes in and see how crunchy they are to your preference. Keep frying it until it is thoroughly fried, but stop before it burns.
Enjoy! Best served hot. Serves 4-6.
You can also sprinkle in coarse ground black pepper at about 2 minutes in, or after you've finished, again tasting it to your preference. Ground chili pepper is also good, preferably with long beans, but you have to make sure that you cook it thoroughly (with ground chili pepper, add it after adding the salt).
It is recommended to try it first without pepper first, then try adding pepper; some people have different tastes, and garlic only goes well with some things.
You can also use long beans; you just cut off the tips and cut them to the appropriate size.
This recipe also works with regular sized pieces of broccoli, except that it is not recommended to add black pepper to the broccoli with this recipe.
This recipe may seem long (sorry), but in total, it takes around 20-30 minutes, 10-20 of which is spent preparing the beans. With long beans, it takes considerably shorter time to prepare (5 minutes for the beans for a 15 minute total), but the texture is much different.
Watch out when cooking the garlic, the oil can jump out.
Watch out when heating up the vegetable oil, especially if you are putting your face over it to see if it is thoroughly heated. If there is a bit of water on the sauce pan when the oil is thoroughly heated, it will jump about and may burn!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The discovery of marital infidelity is a devastating experience. Marital infidelity can be: sexual involvement with another person, secret cybersex, secret Internet relationships, secret and sneaky exchange of emails, instant messaging and phone calls with a "bosom buddy", so-called platonic affairs that are sworn to secrecy where details and problems in your marriage are discussed. Extra-marital infidelity and cheating runs the gamut from passionate sexual affairs to platonic pen-pal affairs done in secrecy that betray your spouse and undermine your marriage. Even though a marriage can often recover, sometimes the damage done is simply too great to overcome. The speed and degree of recovery is usually dictated by the behavior and actions of the adulterous spouse, in essence because they are the one that brought an outsider into the marital union. Often, however, the adulterous spouse has no idea what to do, or how to behave, in order to help rebuild trust in the relationship. Therefore, I have composed this guide to assist the adulterous spouse in helping to rebuild their marriage.
If you are the cheating party, you'll need to print this list out and put it in your pocket. If you are the victim of a cheater, you might want to tape this list to the refrigerator, as a reference for your spouse.
Read this whole thing. Don't skim, flip, or scan. Don't tell yourself you're going to read it later. Read it now; you owe your spouse that much. This guide has been written by people who have been through this before, either as victim or perpetrator, and the advice here is sound, carefully thought-out, and anecdotal. If you are really interested in regaining your spouse's trust, the very least you owe them is the time to fully understand what they need. If you cannot take the twenty minutes or so to read this, you are probably not prepared as a person to make this or any relationship work.
Stop lying. If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worse thing that could happen has already occurred…you were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair, therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process waaaay back. The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, simply STOP LYING. If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or on accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them.
Be around. While emotional availability in the days and even weeks following the discovery of your affair is of the upmost importance, keep in mind that you can only be emotionally available when you're around. Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. Paranoia is natural during this time; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep yourself available to them.
Do not get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, do not waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. Do not point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence, or falling prey to a stalker. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to take complete and full ownership of your selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior. Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but made a conscious decision not to betray you.
Treat your spouse as if they were the very center of your world. While you should do this anyway, it is of monumental importance that focus on this immediately following discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; dedicate yourself to it. Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life. Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again.
Cut any and all possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, it is extremely disrespectful to your spouse. It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, it is time to break those ties. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman. It is in fact an insult to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to purport that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this destructive individual. Furthermore, because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, your current spouse knows they have absolutely no respect for your marriage. Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worse possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage. This is the time to figure out which relationship is the most important to you, either your marriage or the relationship with the other man/woman, and behave accordingly. You simply cannot drive in two lanes at once.
Your life must be an open book. You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while to get it back. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voicemail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don’t lock your cell phone, call log or address book, and keep the credit card statement in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a huge step in regaining their trust. Although you may feel as though this is a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely necessary if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow, while continuing to hide your cell phone is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.
Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know. Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don’t want to hurt your spouse. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. No, your spouse does not need to know the exact places, times, and positions in which you were intimate with the other man/woman, but they do need to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting around with their lover.
Do not attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take. You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”. The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you’ve confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply not the case. One of the worse things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though it’s “business as usual”. Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a major decision and one which can be both humiliating and stressful. Do not downplay the magnitude of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened two weeks after getting caught cheating. FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS, the adulterous spouse needs to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and thank them for another chance. Additionally, acknowledge how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever. Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance, gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such choices in the future.
Choose your battles wisely. While it is important that you not establish a pattern of allowing your partner undue dominance (you will resent them later if they grow accustomed to this), keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an understandable right to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego with compliments and understanding.
Be prepared to get rid of items that may serve to remind your spouse of the affair. Some items - such as certain pictures, gifts bought around the time of the affair, clothing items your spouse may be aware you wore with the other man/woman, even (God forbid) pieces of furniture you may have committed adultery on may serve as triggers that remind your spouse on a daily basis. Be sensitive and aware of your spouse's distraction by/attention to these items; you never know what seemingly harmless objects may be causing them to brood on the subject. If your spouse indicates that they would like to get rid of something because of its connection with your betrayal, don't argue, and take care of the offending item at once: prolonging the disposal of such items may convince your spouse that a) you are not taking their feelings seriously, or b) you have an emotional attachment to that item because of the affair. Your favorite pair of shoes is simply not worth the constant reminder they may serve your spouse, even if you do not understand why these items are of such significance to them.
Do not behave inappropriately or create future problems. Don’t put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Spending time or flirting with attractive, available singles, or forming relationships which could take focus away from your marriage or family commitments, is certainly not wise.
12. Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the
other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance.
Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible.
Nothing is worse than finding out about contact
with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won’t hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.
Use this opportunity to create a new relationship with your spouse. Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. Finding new sexual habits, places to spend time, and activities together will help this. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities.
Remember that the days and weeks immediately following the discovery of the affair are of vital importance, and your actions during this time will greatly determine the speed of your recovery. If your spouse feels supported, loved, respected, and safe discussing his/her feelings during this time, your chances of recovery will be greatly improved. If, on the other hand, your spouse feels alone, ignored, and in the dark, it will be much more difficult to reestablish their trust later.
If your spouse asks you to do something for them to help them recover from the affair (such as read this article, if they have indeed posted it on the fridge), do it right away. Do NOT make them ask twice. Putting off such things only communicates to your spouse that their feelings are unimportant to you, and that you lack the proper remorse for what you've done. Nothing should be more important to you right now than helping your spouse recover from this.
One important factor to keep in mind is that, even though your spouse will ask you to compare them to the other man/woman (was she prettier/sexier, etc), they are also interested in knowing how they are better than the other person, even if they don’t directly ask. In fact, many of these questions are disguised opportunities for you to tell them so. In other words, balance something good about the other person with something you liked better about your spouse.
Pay close attention to your spouse. Your spouse has (probably) never been through this before, and may be too distraught to articulate what s/he needs. It is, in part, your responsibility to try to predict/account for these needs. Whenever possible, avoid making your spouse ask you for things they need from you during this time; doing so puts them in a weak position, and they're already weak enough. Remember: just because they're not bringing it up, doesn't mean it's not on their mind. Be as proactive as possible.
Be on the lookout for seemingly unrelated discussions that may be projections of this issue. Keep in mind that although you may be arguing passionately about who last did the dishes, you may actually be arguing about the affair in some tangential way (i.e. how much time you dedicated to the relationship outside of your marriage). It is sometimes difficult to tell what factors will trigger your spouse's thoughts about the affair - in fact, your spouse may not even realize that they are projecting these issues onto seemingly day-to-day arguments. A good rule of thumb is to assume that any argument in which your spouse seems unduly angry about a seemingly small thing may fall into this category. If this happens, it's unwise to simply back down, as doing so may establish a submissive pattern you will regret later. However, keep in mind that your partner is in an unpredictable and tumultuous emotional state, and be as understanding as you can.
Remember that the paranoia, anger, and distrust that follow the discovery of an affair are natural, and may take a while to fully heal. Your relationship with your spouse during this time is not necessarily an indicator of how it will be from now on; in time, with full honesty and emotional openness, you will (hopefully) begin to recover your relationship's equilibrium. At some point, of course, you may be forced to rethink your stance on whether or not your relationship is terminally damaged; however, avoid making these decisions rashly, as many victim spouses have been known to unexpectedly reach a kind of peace with the affair and move forward just when things seemed at their worst.
It is a mistake to think that just because things are not getting better daily that your relationship will not recover. This is a slow and unpredictable process, and will be different from spouse to spouse. You may find that your relationship improves steadily in the days following the discovery of the affair, or you may notice that some days are worse than others. The important thing is that, on the whole, the process is moving forward; it is only when the process stalls entirely for a prolonged period that you should begin to worry about your spouse's ability to recover.
Be grateful. Your spouse is taking a huge risk in deciding to remain with you after your betrayal. No matter how angry, petty, or unpredictable they get, they have shown a great love for you and, in many cases, a great strength of character in choosing to try to trust you again. Give this decision, and your partner, the deserved respect and gratitude.
Make sure you are truly ready to be faithful and committed to your marriage before attempting to rebuild trust. Nothing is more devastating to a victim spouse then learning to trust a person only to be betrayed again.
If you have decided to rebuild the relationship, stick to this decision. Avoid language that indicates that you are uncertain about your ability to continue the relationship in this state; doing so may only cause your spouse to shut down and keep their emotions to themselves out of fear that they will lose you or you will seek greener pastures again. Nothing can be more dangerous to the recovery process during this period, as bottled-up feelings will eventually burst forth and perpetuate these problems. Create a safe environment in which your spouse feels free to express their feelings without fear that doing so will cause you to leave.
Do not, do not, DO NOT allow yourself to appear irritated with your spouse when they bring up their feelings or questions about the affair. This irritation is natural; people do not like to be constantly reminded of things they are ashamed of, and it is easy to turn this shame into annoyance at your partner. The victim spouse, however, has a clear right to these feelings: you are most certainly in the wrong, no matter what your reasons, for undermining the sanctity of your marriage, and holding yourself accountable for your mistake is a necessary part of reconciliation. Irritation will not only anger your partner, but will depict a lack of remorse and ultimately convince your partner that you are not "with them" and are likely to cheat again.
Playing off your affair as "it meant nothing" is not the best course of action. Be truthful about your reasons, even if you think those reasons may hurt your spouse. A spouse who cheats for no good reason is a spouse that has absolutely no respect for the marriage, and it sends a message to the victim spouse that they have no reason to trust you again, ever. Explaining to your spouse that you have cheated because of emotional trauma - such as being in love with somebody else or out of fear and self-destructive tendency - gives your spouse a handle on which to understand your affair and regain their trust in you.
NEVER tell your spouse that "you don't feel like talking about it right now." In all honesty, you gave up your right to discuss things on your schedule when you betrayed your spouse. Putting off discussions that are important to them only ensures that these concerns will grow like cancer in the meantime, and "later" may be too late.
Do not allow your own feelings to eclipse those of your spouse. In all likelihood, you are dealing with emotional trauma of your own - your guilt for having the affair, your shame at what has been discovered about you, even the loss of the lover if you have decided to choose your marriage instead. It is important that you deal with these feelings, and even share them with your spouse. However, do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of ignoring your spouse's cries for help because you are too preoccupied with your own struggles. If you have decided to make your marriage work, it is important that you dedicate the necessary time and attention to your spouse.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Whether you have met your friends recently, or have known them since the good ol' days, they will always do something that will tilt your keel, and force you to ask yourself:"How well do I really know him/her?" Here are some steps to truly understanding your friend.
Get to know their family and other friends. What kind of people do they associate with? How close are they with their family? So when over at their house ask to meet their family and spend time with their other friends. If they are hesitant, remember to give them time. Spend some time alone with them before barging in on their life.
Discuss their obsessions in a nice way because they will appreciate your interest. You will get to know what makes them tick and they will get to know what makes you tick.
Read what they read, hear the music they hear, watch the movies and plays they watch, go to the places they frequent. To know a soul intimately, you have to be that soul. Yodel with them in their cowboy hats.
"When you die, what would you like engraved on your gravestone?" What does he want to be remembered as? This idealized self-image is the one he is always reaching for, and which explains a lot of his actions.
Is there some topic which makes him grossly uncomfortable? Which topic puts pauses on his normally eloquent speech? Ask yourself why. Does he have insecurities and bad family stories relating to the topic, is he trying to give a false impression?
Listen. "What we say is important... for in most cases the mouth says what the heart is full of."-Jim Beggs. The more you listen to what your friend says , the more you understand.
Try to get to know them, but dont force them to talk about themselves. It may be because they are uncomfortable with the subject you were talking about, they may think you dont care about their problems if you push them too far to talk.
Who they are with says alot about them. Especially signifacant others, spouses, or boyfiends/girlfriends. Dont put down oyur friends other friends! It is probably really annoying to them, and they will think you are self-centered (you think alot about yourself but not other people).
A corollary of the previous point: bite down on any criticism you may have. People want friends who appreciate them as they are. Listen and empathize: this will encourage your friend to speak expansively, thus resulting in a greater understanding on your part.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Shopping may be boring to some... you walk in, look around, buy stuff... Where is the fun in THAT!!!! Here are a few ideas to make shopping a BLAST!
First Idea: What Not To Wear
Invite a few people.
Go to a store in the mall
Pick a 3 tops and 3 bottoms, 2 you think are hideous and 1 you think is awesome!
Have the person you invited try to put an outfit together with the tops and bottoms you picked out
Grade her/him on everything a super model would be graded on: catwalk, outfit, personality,
Now, have the other person pick everything out for you, you try everything on, then you get graded.
Go around the mall into different stores and continue this trend.
Second Idea: Mix and Match
Get a friend and go to a mall
Get one piece of clothing at everystore you walk into
When you have more than a few outfits or hit your budget, go home
Try to make fun, funky outfits out of the mix match clothing
For fun, walk outside to see how many people like it.
Third Idea: Just Bling
Grab a friend
Go to the mall
Assign her/him to get a fun, funky outfit.. just 2 tops and 2 bottoms.
You find fun, funky jewlery
When you are done, go home and try everything on
Walk out into the streets with your fun outfit!
Warning! Make sure they know your size!
Fourth Idea: Whatever
Grab a few (3) friends
Go to the mall
Assign different stores in the mall
Get one (1) complete outfit (top,bottom,jewlery,shoes) at one (1) store
Everyone trade outfits
Warning: Make sure you are all in the same size range! And know each others' sizes!
Coconut Point Mall in Estero,Florida over 500 shopping centers, condos, and 1 movie theater, and 100 diners
Coconut Point Mall in Estero,Florida over 500 shopping centers, condos, and 1 movie theater, and 100 diners
Make sure to have fun
Make sure to know each others sizes
Make sure to wear comfortable shoes
Make sure to know each others sizes
Friends are essential to have in your life. Real friends are always there for you, to cheer you up when you're down, to have fun with you... But sometimes life can be so busy, that we may abandon a good friendship. This article will tell you how to spend more time with those really important people you may not lose!
In this century, there are tons of ways to stay in touch with your friends. Make a phone call by either calling them on their mobile phone, or calling them for free using Skype (providing your friend uses Skype too), have a video conversation via an Instant Messenger program (such as Windows Live Messenger), send them an e-mail, text them (and maybe even include MMS-pictures if you have a camera phone, show them your new puppy you just got for your birthday or your new hair style you just got). As you can see; ways enough.
Hang out with your friends. Just another boring, but sunny sunday afternoon? Call them for a hang-out in the park just 5 minutes away, invite them to watch a movie or play that new computer game, at your home.
Do fun stuff with your friends! Organise events; go to the pub to have a nice drink, go eating in a restaurant or have a delicious pizza, go to the cinema to watch a movie that you both like, go to a concert of your favourite artist that you both like, or go swimming on a hot, sunny afternoon.
Show that you need them. If you have a good friend, for example, who is kind of geeky and knows how to solve computer problems, tell him/her you got a computer problem that you cannot solve, and invite him/her. That way, you'll meeting each other again + they feel good cause they have just helped a good friend. A win-win situation.
Surprise them! One of your friends birthday tomorrow? Buy a couple of flowers, a nice gift, or a beautiful birthday card, and go visit them to wish them a very happy birthday and to give them your gift.
When watching a movie, be sure you and your friend are liking the genre of the movie. You do not want to end up with a bored friend, or even worse: ending up watching a movie you do not even like yourself. Same counts for going to a concert; you must both like the artist or music genre.
When going to the pub to have a beer or two, pay their drinks. This will stimulate your friendship.
Only buy small gifts as a birthday present. You do not want to look desperate.
Don't phone/instant message/text them every single time, you will want to meet friends in real life too, every now and then, otherwise they'll just become an "internet buddy" or "virtual buddy". Real friends do meet up!
anyone can choose their friends... but we always choose the best poeple that can help us grow. here are some of the ways that might help you get away with those nasty bad influenced friends.
Site the bad habits that these bad friends have.
try to think of a way to get away from them, sometimes it is hard to confront them that you don't want to be with them and that might cause instant enemies.
always remember, if these friends let you do bad things and let you be indulged with bad stuff then ask help from your parents.
if you are hurt or depressed because they have mistreated you, you can talk to a TRUE AND CARING FRIEND that you have. you can know them, they are simply the ones who doesn't let you do bad things. they are also the ones wh is always there for you. especially on hard times.
try to make new friends... know the type of friends you want to meet, list it down if you like. have faith in yourself, you will have caring friends, just look around you.
* love yourself first.
* spend time with yourself.
* respect yourself.
* give yourself a chance to hang-out with your family.
* if you are still a student, try concentrating on your studies first.
* make a hobby that you will surely love.
if these nasty people kept on bothering you, ask for help to the people whom you think can protect you.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Do you have a friend who's really nice but also really bossy, and don't know how to handle her? Here's a quick guide on how to step on them! Enjoy!
Snobby people may never shut up about themselves or their things. Subtly divert the topic (aka if she is bragging about her horse, talk about a horse show you saw). If you do not wish to talk to this person, make an excuse and walk away.
Don't try to impress the snob. They don't care.
If you dislike the snob, don't spend too much time with them. When they want to talk to you, ignore them a bit so they realize that you're not all that interested in them.
Don't gush over the snob, but don't insult them.
If you have a friend who is a snob, either learn to love them for it (while slightly mocking them with mutual friends), or ditch them.
Don't suck up to her, but being kind doesn't hurt.
You don't need to ask her questions about herself. She will talk about herself.
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone got on with their parents better? These tips will help build a better relationship with your mother and father.
Treat your parents the way you want them to treat you. If you want them to listen to you,then listen to what they have to say. Giving respect gains respect.
Do something social with your parents and get to know who they are as people. Just as you might try a sport with a new friend,why not join your parents in their hobbies and let them take part in yours.
Don't take advantage. Children (and sometimes adults) often see parents as a bank clerks, chefs, or house keepers. Instead of letting your parents do everything for you, share in tasks and be responsible for your actions.
Take part in family activities, such as birthdays or visiting elderly relatives. Doing things together makes relationships stronger.
If your parents are both alike, make sure to get one-on-one time with each of them, not just time with them as a couple. It's a good way to break down old habits and styles of interaction; plus, it's more intimate. You may find that a parent opens up to you more, or opens up in different ways, when the other parent isn't present.
Agree upon areas where you are open to suggestions & ideas from them. Inform them "politely & diplomatically" the issues which you are not comfortable talking/sharing with them.
Dosomething special for your parents. Sometimes, showing mutual appreciation is the best way to build & maintain relationships.
Communicate! If you act ashamed of them when your friends are around, how do you think they feel? If you chew their face off because they call you to see if you'd like something, how you're doing, or what you'd like for dinner, do you think they'll be friendly for long?
It is easy to become over emotional when dealing with close members of family,and this often leads to short tempers and raised voices. Take a deep breath, and try to express yourself in a calmer manner.
Show interest in what life was like for them when they were growing up. Try to relate their experiences to your own. Also, show this same interest in what they do now. Does your parent work? If so, ask about their work.
If your parents are elderly, don't treat them like children. Instead, seek them out for their wisdom from a lifetime of experience. Show your love and appreciation for them every time you can. The walls that may exist can take time to tear down, but if you refuse to give up, they will tumble.
One simple phrase that works with overbearing parents well is "I'm sorry you feel that way." Show concern for their feelings but do not allow yourself to be drawn into feeling guilty for whatever transgressions they feel you may have committed in the past. Accept that your relationship hasn't always been the best and move on. Resist the temptation to try to "make up for being a bad child", remember: "Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child.". As an adult you may have had to make some choices your parents didn't agree with, but they were your choices and you made them as best you could.
What's been said here is the ideal way to communicate, so to improve better these ways you should learn to know more your parents, sometimes the parents act with more sensibility with their kids. Remember that no matter how old you are, you are still a child for them, so to get a better relation is to know them well outside the parental relation, thus they'll feel like you are responsible and so they'll trust you as a grown up person.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Are you someone who cares about his or her family but you're finding the family emotions a little overwhelming and you're not yet living a happy family life? Then here are some suggestions that may just help you.
Respect your parents. Do this not just by giving them respect, but by listening to what they say and trying your best to make them happy. Realize that you may be able to choose your friends, but you're born to your family. If there's nothing you can do to please your parents, you'll be happier if you just accept it for now and focus on pleasing yourself. Making others happy is secondary to being happy yourself. And things do change over time.
Realize that life is not always going to go smoothly. Try to face the "ups and downs" in your family life with positive thinking and a cool mind. But your family doesn't have the right to make you miserable just because they're family. Try to get along, but if it doesn't work, let it go.
Try to compromise whenever and wherever it's possible. When you see that the people who you love most are happy, you will have a feeling of great happiness. You will have to compromise a lot in life; family is the first environment to begin learning this important skill, amongst people who know you best and can guide you with their reactions, thoughts and suggestions. Even the things they don't tell you become a learning experience.
Give occasional gifts to your family members. Surprise gifts can be great because most people love them. The best gifts tend to be the ones you make yourself, or put a lot of thought into. Also appreciated are gifts of your time; doing tasks around the house that haven't been done for a while such as painting touch-ups, restoring missing door handles etc. and clearing away clutter.
Be honest with your parents, but bear in mind that they don't always need to know everything. If you get along well, you can open up, but if you don't, avoiding tender subjects can keep the peace. Sometimes saying nothing can be better for a family relationship than saying everything. Family is forever. Why fight about the little things?
Feel free to communicate with each and every person in your family. Listen to them when they want to say something; try to be with them when they need you. Bear in mind that the needs of your family don't outweigh your own. Give them your time and love, not your life.
Dedicate a slot, it may be once a week or once a month in which you have a 'Family Time'. This could be anything,watching a movie together, playing a game, going out on a trip, but make sure it is something everyone will enjoy.
Eat together. Modern-day life makes this virually impossible to do, however, it really does change your family life dramatically -- for the better.
Make time for siblings. They know you best, and they will tell you the whole truth, even when you don't want to hear it.
Accept that your relationship with your family depends on both you and them. If they can't meet you halfway, you will be happier if you don't spend all of your energy making all the effort.
Good values help us choose between right and wrong, good and evil. They also affect how we will spend our time, energy, and money. If children are taught good values when they are young, they are more likely to make wise decisions when they are older.
Home is the best place for children to learn values. Here are some basic values you may want to teach: Love, Honesty, Morality, Civility, Lifelong learning, Forgiveness and mercy, Thrift and industry, Gratitude, Optimism and Faith. Remember, the most effective method of teaching values is through example.
Compromise is the most valuable tool you have.
Sometimes families are just dysfunctional. It happens. You come first.
Don't put everything down to hormones. If your teenager feels reluctant to talk to you, he or she may be upset about somethin or being bullied. Ask if everything is okay.
Family members are never entitled to be abusive. If they are, don't waste your time. They can't always be won over with patience and kindness. Stay out of toxic situations when you can.
Naturally, men and women couple in order to reproduce, however their different forms of reasoning, options, desire, preference and visions affect the ‘love’ within a relationship. In this regard, this issue of our magazine highlights a love thought of by only one party.
When one exerts much effort to keep love alive within a relationship and it then fails, the one trying to hold the relationship together is heartbroken because the one that they love has rejected them.
In such a circumstance, the one with a broken heart needs to recognize that the relationship is over and to make a clear decision to stop pursuing this person as they are unable to love in return. To do this however, assistance is often needed.
Psychological findings reveal the reason behind why some relationships do not work and why in some instances love cannot be reciprocated. The reason is quite simple, the loved one cannot accept love from the lover because it is not a mutual feeling, and the love is not considered by both parties.
There are several reasons to why it is hard to stop loving and to forget such intense love, these are due to s/he 1) Always thinking about the good qualities found within the loved one; 2) Reminiscing over any little thing from the past such as text messages and emails that were written in the heat of the moment; and 3) not speaking the truth in front of the loved one, this is, keeping the feeling of love as a secret.
To stop loving someone that does not love you in return, you first have to accept and face the truth that your love is not possible. You then need to rid yourself of anything that could remind you of him such as text messages and songs you listened to. Another tip that will help you forget the person is to think that there are better people out there with whom you, as a brokenhearted person, could find true love with, a love that is felt with passion on both sides. In other words, you realize that the person you previously loved is not the perfect person.
When applying all of these tips, the brokenhearted person can forget the memory of a love lost and all the other factors that lead you to love this person. To be released from this spiritual tension, you need to convince yourself that you will meet a better person or think that the person you previously loved is no longer important to you.
Another approach to help forget about a person who does not love you is to try and end the routine of thinking about them, over and over again.
Stop saying that 1) I cannot live without you; 2) I cannot stop loving you; 3) I love this person more than any other; 4) I cannot love anyone else; 5) There is no one better than this person, they are perfect.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Are you one of those people who, when asked how long ago something happened or how long something took, you give a rough estimate that's way off? Or are you chronically late because you're convinced that your morning routine or commute takes 15 minutes when in reality, it takes 25 or 30? Do you cook a dish for 50 minutes rather than 30 (as the recipe instructed) because you "lost track of time"? Some people are better able to judge the passing of time than others, but fortunately, this is an ability that can be developed with the following exercises.
Keep all your clocks as correct as you can make them. Remember to check the ones on your computer, car, and cell phone. When you enter a new environment, check any clocks and note whether or not they match yours. While you are training yourself, wear a watch, or carry a phone or other clock with you at all times. The more accurate your clocks, the better you'll be able to fine-tune your sense of time.
Stabilize your circadian rhythm. Humans have a natural internal clock that regulates biological processes. If this rhythm is disrupted, not only will you have difficulty judging time, but it can also have negative effects on your health and productivity. To keep your circadian rhythm optimized, develop a routine in which you eat, sleep, and expose yourself to natural light at about the same times each day.
Every time you think of it,guess to yourself what time it is. Check a clock or watch. Make a point of correcting yourself. Think or say to yourself something like "I thought it was 10:20, but it's actually 10:34. I was 14 minutes slow." This is your time sense gap.
You can make it a habit to do this every time you encounter a certain landmark or object, such as a stop sign, traffic light, or mirror.
You may want to try guessing the time when you awake, if you do not wake to an alarm.
Whenever you get a chance, check a clock, and make note of the time. Go about your regular life, attempting to guess when it has been one hour. Check a clock on your guess, and make note of your time sense gap. As you get better, vary the time intervals you try to guess.
When you start a task with a defined beginning and end (reading a chapter of a book, driving to a friend's house, taking a shower) guess how long it will take you. When you finish, guess how long it actually took you. Check the time. How far off was your initial guess? How far off was your second guess?
When you start a task that has a specified time frame(like when cooking), set a timer for the upper end of the range given. For example, if you're to cook oatmeal for 3-5 minutes, set a timer for 5 minutes. Assign yourself the task of guessing when 3 or 4 minutes have passed. If you make a mistake, the timer will save you from having burnt oatmeal. But with practice, you'll develop a sense for how long to leave the oatmeal cooking, as many chefs learn to do with various dishes they cook often.
7. Record your progress in a time sense journal. Whenever you observe a time sense gap, write it down. You might notice a pattern, like that you tend to be about 15 minutes slow in the morning, and 30 minutes fast in the afternoon. Or, like most people, time will seem to pass slowly when you're doing something monotonous or boring, and pass quickly when you're keeping busy or having fun. As you continue matching your guesses with reality, your sense of time will noticeably improve.
Some children who grow up in an unstructured household (in which activities are not in any way associated with time) may have difficulty adjusting to school, where many activities are scheduled (like having crayons taken away because coloring time is over, or not finishing a test because time is up). Offering children a sense of time and sequence (like "Finish cleaning your room so you can play with your brother when he gets home at 2:30") can help.
It can help to get a clock or watch which beeps or chimes at each hour. This will help attune your body to the "rhythm" of the day.
If you have access to thermometers during the day, you can use some of these tips to learn to gauge the temperature as well by estimating the temperature before you check the thermometer. If you walk to work, see if your route can take you past a bank thermometer sign, and make your guess just before you get to the sign.
Stimulants (including caffeine) may cause you to overestimate time intervals, while depressants may do the opposite.
Nicotine cravings can cause you to perceive time as passing more slowly than it really is.
People with Parkinson's disease, Huntington's disease, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), or Schizophrenia often struggle with time perception. If you display any other symptoms of these conditions, see a doctor.
In addition, people who have [Multiple Sclerosis] can develop a poor sense of timing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Concerned about safety and the environment, many women are embracing "natural beauty." Check out these easy ways to start going green.
For most women, the term natural beauty might seem like something of a misnomer. After all, women spend an estimated $200 billion annually on cosmetics--substances that are specially designed to beautify, promote attractiveness, or alter appearance, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. That figure hardly sounds like a ringing endorsement for embracing the natural look.
Increasingly, though, concerns about the safety of standard cosmetics and the impact they may have on the environment have prompted consumers to seek out eco-friendly alternatives. In fact, according to the U.S. Market for Natural Personal Care Products, the natural and organic cosmetics market is expected to reach $5.8 billion this year--an average growth rate of about 9 percent a year since 2003.
Want to start going green with your beauty regimen? Follow these eight easy guidelines.
Make it yourself.
One of the easiest and most rewarding ways to go green is to create your own beauty products. And in many cases, you'll find all the ingredients you need right in your own refrigerator or cupboards. For an easy at-home facial mask, combine one tablespoon of yogurt with a teaspoon of honey, apply, and remove after 15 minutes. For a brightening hair rinse, mix one egg with a tablespoon of olive oil and a quarter of peeled cucumber; let sit for 10 minutes, and rinse.
Conserve, conserve, conserve.
It may sound simple, but by making minor changes to your daily beauty regimen, you can conserve natural resources. When showering or washing your hair, be conscious of the amount of water you use, and consider investing in a low-flow showerhead. Instead of using standard incandescent light bulbs when applying your makeup, switch to compact fluorescent bulbs--they use two-thirds less energy and last 10 times longer.
Reuse and recycle.
According to the Environmental Protection Agency, more than 2 billion disposable razors wind up in landfills every year. To minimize the impact on the environment, choose a razor that allows you to change the blades (instead of regularly tossing a plastic, non-biodegradable razor into the trash) or better yet, invest in an electric razor. In addition, consider switching to recycled plastic bags for makeup storage and recycled toilet paper for makeup removal.
Don't be cruel.
While many cosmetics companies have adopted cruelty-free policies, there are still brands that regularly test on animals. According to the Humane Society of the United States, the safety testing of chemicals and consumer products currently accounts for about 10 percent to 20 percent of the use of animals in laboratories, or approximately 2 to 4 million animals in the United States. For more information on which brands and products test on animals, visit the Coalition for Consumer Information on Cosmetics (CCIC) online.
Learn the language.
Currently, cosmetics companies aren't required to meet any formal standards to use the term natural on their labels. For that reason, many critics claim that the natural-cosmetics market is just a pretty marketing ploy. The term organic, however, is regulated by the USDA's National Organic Program and may only appear on products that conform to manufacturing regulations established by the National Organic Standards Board (NOSB). For more information on organic standards, visit the NOSB's website.
Beware of parabens.
Most natural beauty gurus urge consumers to watch out for parabens, which some experts believe may disrupt hormone function and contribute to breast cancer. These are most often found in shampoos, shower gels, shaving creams, and lotions, and are usually listed on labels as methylparaben, ethylparaben, p-propylparaben, isobutylparaben, n-butylparaben, or benzylparaben.
Ditch the DBP.
Dibutyl phthalate (DBP) has long been a staple in nail polish, hairspray, and sunscreen. But in recent years, studies have linked DBP to cancer in lab animals and to fetal-development problems, according to the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics. As such, many brands have started removing DBP from their products. Some cosmetics, however, still contain the ingredient, so be sure to look at the label.
Read the finer print.
In addition to parabens and DBP, there are several controversial ingredients that are prompting some women to think twice about their purchases. Although study findings have been mixed, most consumer advocate groups encourage consumers to research the health effects of aluminum, petroleum, sulfates, nitrates, and propylene glycol. As always, it's best to talk to your doctor about any safety concerns you may have.
Overcoming racism can be difficult, but you have to change your attitude. If you can do that, you're all set.
Think what really makes you different from another race, and in what ways you are alike.
Encourage your family and friends to respect other races.
Make friends with other races; usually when you like someone that's a different race, you will respect that race because you like the person.
Don't shy away from learning about other cultures or races.
Forget stereotypes; everyone is different. Some people do fit the stereotype, but the majority of people are different.
If you meet someone of a different race that you hate, dislike, or don't care for, you don't have to disrespect their race, just disrespect that person (everyone has issues with other people at some point).
Encourage those who make racist comments around you to stop.. that may make them realize how bad it sounds and stop altogether.
Try to not refer another race as "them," "they," or "it."
Avoid using slang terms for other races.
Don't be friends with people that disrespect other races it could make a bad image for you.
Remember this " we all bleed red"
If you are one of the millions of people in the world who want to try and rid your American state of the cruel and inhumane act of capital punishment, then this article will give you ideas and explanations which may work in your defence. There are no guarentees that these steps will make your state free of this punishment, but if you try your very best, you will most likely get the results you want.
Before you even start your campaign, you need to understand the basic root of the capital punishment. Do your homework, and make sure you know why you are about to take action against this. You need to practically everything, from which crimes can be punishable by death, to the method(s) of capital punishment used in your state.
Have you ever heard the saying "There is no I in team"? In order to make your point get across, you need the most important ingredient - people! Some ways to get people to join you is by an internet petition or a radio broadcast. If using the internet, e-mail the news around to people at work or school. Only humans can get word round about things like this, so make sure you e-mail as many people as is humanly possible!
Find out who it is you need to have your debate with. Arrange an appointment with the people in charge of your state, and do not give up! If they turn you down, keep bugging them! This is all about showing them how much of a strong believer you are and you will not get down and stay there without a fight! If you still cannot talk to anyone, write a letter. Make several copies that you can repeatedly send should no one get back to you.
Now you need to make a speech or conduct your letter. Make it clear what you and your followers want, and that you won't stop until your wishes have been met! Include things like "Two wrongs don't make a right","You can't teach killing is wrong by killing" and "Killing a criminal is the easiest way out for them. Make them live with what they've done. Remind them everyday for the rest of your lives". You could always get someone with an English qualification to write things up for you. Show them a petition to increase your chance of getting what everyone wants!
Once you have written your letter/speech, all you have to do is wait. It may be days, weeks or months. Tell yourself and your team you have tried your best and won't stop until you win!
If your requests are rejected, keep trying. It takes a winner to get up after they've been knocked down.
If all else fails, protest! Say you won't be moved until you and your followers get what was asked for!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Have you ever been suspicious if your person your dating is just interested in your money. If you think you are and you want to prove it, here is how you can accomplish this and protect yourself before it is too late.
You date could be tricking you into being obligated to paying for everything. Your date could go to the bathroom every time the bill shows up or always forgets to bring his or her wallet.
Your date always wants expensive outings. If you think this is the case, ask your date for free and inexpensive outings. If your date complains that you don't ever do anything nice anymore, ask your date if nice means expensive and see what your date says.
Your date starts salary snooping. You date can do this if he or she steals bank statements. This is a major red flag that you are dating a gold digger.
Your date moves the relationship too fast. Your date will try to push marriage and not signing a pre-nup agreement. If you mention a pre-nup and your date makes up every excuse and tactic necessary to get out of it, this is another red flag that you are dating a gold digger.
If you follow these tips and you are right about your date being a gold digger, protect yourself by maintaing your financial independence.
Keep your own bank accounts and approach joint accounts and credit cards with extreme caution.
Hash out at your date and see if you are right about your suspicions about your date being after your money.
It could happen to anyone. We all know someone who has made this mistake. Never let it happen again! It is much easier to avoid the mistake than to repair the damage.
Problem: Inadvertently make the mistake of overlooking a Birthday, Anniversary or other date regarded as sacred by your wife or significant other. This mistake or oversight may be the result of an unexpected event, development, act of god or some other contributor beyond your control such as advancing age. Regardless of the cause, the result is often the same. "Serious Trouble". But then again, if you get into trouble for forgetting a conmemorative day, the value system of that person is not much of a value system to begin with.
Solution: This is really pretty simple. Just let it happen once. By the time the whole thing has settled down, believe me; you will never let happen again. You will have received such intense (unsolicited) training on the importance of keeping track of such dates and events it would be almost "impossible" to find yourself in this situation again. (Remember, a cat only has so many lives to live.)
For best results, you want to remember her birthday before her birthday. If you set up a reminder system, make the first notification early enough to give you time to act. If you use an electronic PIM, set reminders for two weeks before the birthday (to figure out what to get or do for her) and one week out (to double check that you've done it). Buying flowers and trying to make a dinner reservation on the commute home just won't cut it.
If you keep a list of things she admired or mentioned wanting during the year, you'll have an easy time at Christmas or her birthday. In addition, you get bonus points for having listened, and for getting her something she really wanted.
For best results, never let your spouse know you needed a reminder. She's much happier believing your mind works like hers, and is wired to remember things like this, rather than Sandy Koufax's lifetime ERA, or the goal Manchester scored five years ago.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Do you find yourself stereotyping others just because they're different than you? Do you want to change that? Look no further-this article will help you.
Get to know people in different social groups. If you find yourself liking these person, then maybe that will help you to not judge. Be a "floater" don't be afraid to branch out.
Try not to apply certain characteristics to groups of people. For example, it is wrong to assume that all gangsters do drugs, or all preps are stuck-up, as this might not be the case.
Be nice to everyone. Just because someone wears black, it doesn't change the fact that they're a nice person.
Don't ever try and change anyone. If the girl sitting next to you happens to be wearing emo-ish clothes, then don't try and do a "makeover" on her. It is her choice to dress this way, and she isn't telling you to dress like her, so lay off and let her be who she wants. Respect people's decisions.
Don't mock people if they happen to like different things then you. Remember, everybody's different.
Convince your friends to join in and stop hating on people because of their social groups.
* Stay true to yourself.
* Don't worry about popularity.
There is so much more involved in keeping romance alive than just candles, bubble baths, and foot massages. You each have to work at it in order to maintain and enjoy romance in your life. Here is how to feed the romantic fires in your relationship in a deep and meaningful way.
Tell the truth. Truth is the ultimate aphrodisiac and a great way to create connection with your partner. For example, you might say "I feel safe when I am with you" or "Sometimes I feel scared that we get so busy with other things that we forget about creating close moments together, but I really want to be close with you." Just share your true feelings and speak from your experience. If you are concealing in your relationship, you will not feel connected, so consider making truth an ongoing priority in your life.
Appreciate yourself and your partner. Appreciation means "to grow in value, or to be sensitively aware of." Take time to understand just what it is that you like about yourself, and your partner. Saying for example, "I am doing a good job as a parent by taking time to hug the kids in the morning before they go off to school." or "I really appreciate how dedicated you are to your job." Successful relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms, so if you really want to heat up your relationship, start appreciating!
Listen. All humans crave being seen and heard. Being with your partner, and really listening to them can be magical for you both. Often, we want to fix their problems, but it is much more powerful to listen. Saying, "Wow, I can understand you are frustrated." or "That must have been hard on you." Let your partner know you're hearing them.
Create romance within yourself first. We often try to "get" our partners to be more romantic by believing we need to change them in order to have what we want. The truth is that you are much more likely to have what you want when 'you' show up in that way. For example, create your own romantic mood--dress, put on music, prepare sensuous foods, take some time to love and appreciate yourself. It will not take long for your partner to join in the fun!
Ask for what you want. Let your partner know that you are deeply interested in spending some romantic time with them (You would be surprised at how often they are unaware of this.) Whining, demanding, and manipulating are contrary to creating romance, so do your best to ask using kind and loving words.
Bring play back into your relationship. Levity is a sexy thing. If you are stuck in thoughts of how much housework you have to do, or that you might wake the kids, more than likely you will not feel romantic. Laugh about the ways that you take your self out of a romantic mood, and soon, you will be back in it.
Speak your partner's love language. We often become confused and disappointed by expecting the other person to do such and such romantic things. Do to your partner the things they like as well as you telling them what 'you' like, want, and expect. When you fulfill their needs and desires, you will end up receiving the same in return!
Accept each other unconditionally, respect each others wishes and dislikes. Keep the mystery and fascination to each other. Love each moment as if it is the last.
Communicate with your partner about what each of you wants in the area of romance, without making the other person feel wrong for their desires. One may want less romance, the other may want more, however by communicating, each can have what they want, it just may not look the way you think it is supposed to. For example, how could you create a romantic evening just for yourself? (This is a really powerful step to creating a life of joy!)
Portions of this article are based on the works of Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
Many couples will subconsciously create an argument just when there is an opportunity for romance. This happens because we have conditioned ourselves to avoid intimate connection. We are afraid of being hurt when we are most open and vulnerable, thus we shut down without even realizing we are doing it. When this happens, take notice, without judging yourself or your partner. Instead try once more to spark a connection by using the steps above.
Being sarcastic with the one you love is not romantic or funny, unless both partners realize the mood.